Do you have any regrets? Are you living for today or thinking about the past?
I often think about what I want to write about each day on the blog but usually don't get to the part where I actually do the writing. When I had my first blog that used to bother me because I felt like I had so much to say (and oh yes, it was SO important) that I never got around to posting and that no one would follow my blog if there were large spans of time between posts.
The truth is, I probably don't have all that much important information to pass along and this blog meets my needs more than it meets anyone else's, so I'm not worrying so much about the days between posts. Obviously I would be ecstatic if people started reading every post, sharing it with others and best of all, learning something new from each post. I can pretty much guarantee that you won't take away some profound new idea or lesson from all of my posts but I will definitely try because after all, I did start this blog to help share the stark realities that come with living with a chronic illness and pain to the world.
I do want to say Thank you to the many of you who either commented, sent me private messages and emails, and even told others about the blog. I was taken aback by the number of you who read the last post and responded with support and even shared some of your own personal stories. As a start, that was a remarkable beginning towards reaching the personal goals I was hoping to achieve through this blog.
So, what's been on my mind lately? How about "regrets". It's a question that I ask myself over and over again, "If you died tomorrow, would you have regrets?". Then it goes beyond just the question into action because why bother asking if I'm not going to at least try to settle something that needs settling. Most people don't spend their time asking themselves this question because most people are thinking about death being so far off that they'll be living an entirely different life when they come face to face with it. And most of them are right. I don't think that I'll be touring the country in a Winnebago with my husband after he retires as I had originally desired so I have to push those thoughts away for the moment. What I read and understand is that my life, even without an illness but just the chronic pain will most likely be significantly cut shorter. When you add in the yet unknown but questionably known illness then it's pretty clear I better start working now to make sure I've lived the life I wanted and have no regrets. In the end, I could live to be 80 and the worst that could happen is that I lived a life of few regrets, including a few years in a Winnebago!
The most important thing for me is how my children would remember me. I want to be remembered by them like I remember my grandmother, who died when I was 8. Perhaps she wasn't the angelic, ethereal person that I remember because I was so young when she died I couldn't be the most reliable source, but perhaps she really was. All I know was that it was and is extremely difficult to maintain that quality and really the only way to do it is to be relatively calm and at peace with life. That's how I can get away with it now but couldn't when I was trying to work and get them all where they needed to be while battling a progressive illness. By learning about Buddhism and Mindfulness, along with meditating I've been able to achieve a more calming happy presence around my children. Hopefully at some point I can carry the calm, ethereal nature that I know is there somewhere in my soul, out into the world to be shared with others. For now, I am extremely happy that my children look at me and tell me they love me, that they know I love them above all else and that there is nothing off limits for us to talk about or that can interfere with that unconditional love. No, if I died tomorrow I'd have no regrets with my children because they would remember the kind, nurturing, ever present love I offered.
I don't have a "Bucket List" and doubt I'll ever have one. If I did, it would probably be to have a tropical week long honeymoon with my husband, especially since we didn't have much of a real honeymoon. There's an organization locally called The Sister's Wish that helps women in my situation but unfortunately, I'm too old to get help at getting my one wish granted. Instead I tend to take life one day at a time so when it comes to things I would've liked to have accomplished before I die it's pretty simple. I do regret that my illness has caused our family to become deeper and deeper in debt but since it's out of my control at this very moment I have to let go. There are a few things that are long term goals that I can achieve without money or other things beyond my grasp. My favorite is a book I've been using to record information about my life that my children can later read and hold onto. I don't actually write in the book, which is called "All About Me" by Philipp Keel, but I go through it's set up of questions for me to answer, write them on paper and plan to transfer them to the computer someday. The book is set up for anyone to go through and answer questions about themselves. In the beginning it's more factual based things such as parent's names, siblings, etc but as you get further into it the questions demand more reflection and thought. I would even recommend it to someone who feels like they want to do some self reflection but doesn't quite know how to start. It listed a website for Philipp Keel that is currently under construction and refers to another website instead http://www.simplediary.com/ that has journal type books different than mine but also some interesting videos and thoughts about being a panda for a while. If being a Panda for a while or a day is intriguing then you should definitely check out this website, just make sure you let me know what you think.
Now, as for past regrets or unfinished business, with Eric's (hubby) help I've come to embrace that some big things can't be fixed. For instance, that I wasn't able to get long term disability insurance so my illness has drastically affected our financial situation. Some of the other discoveries I've made as I've reflected on this question have really surprised me. The most stunning is my regret that I stayed at my previous job for so long with a boss who clearly set off triggers in me. I believe she actually hastened, if not actually caused the decline in my pituitary gland that led to my adrenal insufficiency and low thyroid. To be clear, I'm in no way saying that my illness is psychologically based. What I'm saying is that my autonomic system doesn't work properly, causing my body to over and under react to situations disproportionately and in this case, it seemed to be constantly over reacting, even when I wasn't at work but thought about it or my boss. When we feel threatened our fight or flight instincts kick in, along with different chemicals started in the pituitary gland. My body was operating like it was in a constant threatened mode (aka high stress) and that may have eventually burned out my ability to produce the right level of chemicals at the correct times of day.
Now, this is just a theory and I can't be sure, but I do know I regret staying because even if it had nothing to do with my pituitary gland, it definitely wasn't a healthy environment, in fact, it was downright dysfunctional. The reason I'm sharing this is not to get even with my boss or anything like that, it's to give a heads up to anyone reading this post to look closely at what you're doing. Is your work environment healthy both physically and mentally? Have you had your thyroid tested and found the levels are either too high or too low? Do you feel anxiety on a regular basis, especially when you are starting your work day? Is there a particular person, especially one with authority over you that sets off the anxiety or perhaps reminds you negatively of someone else (perhaps this person has characteristics of someone who abused you when you were a child). I am simply suggesting that you think about different scenarios in your life and decide whether they are healthy.
Although there are those few things I regret, I do not hang onto them. What good would that do? I don't have time to live in the past unless it's to joyfully remember a good or funny time. I don't have lingering anger towards anyone or want revenge. I have a dear friend who also suffers from chronic pain and has some medical issues. Every time we are together or talk on the phone, she talks about this particular incident that happened to her home and things when she allowed someone to live there for free. Trust me, her story is pretty traumatic and even led to the divorce between her and her husband. Now, years later she and her husband are together again but no longer married. My concern is that her inability to let go of the past may cause her to lose the man she loves once more. When I told her this she told me it was closer to happening than I'd even realized. I have no desire to tell anyone what to do with their lives but as an outsider watching a train wreck about to happen, it's a pretty awful feeling. There's a limit to what I can do to help because of my illness and I need to stay well but this friend doesn't seem to know how to get back on track. I've given her lots of advice because she's asked for it but I think if I could get her to listen and follow through on one thing it would be to let go of what happened. At some point I can't even stand to hear the story again so it's no wonder that her repeating the story inside her head constantly is driving her crazy. That's the problem. The people who victimized her aren't hurting right now, at least not about this situation, but she certainly is. And the main person at fault is a relative of her boyfriend/ex-husband so although he was also victimized, she's often taking some of her anger out on him, knowing it's wrong but not knowing how to stop. She's only hurting herself in all of this and if she keeps it up, she'll lose even more. She needs to dissect the feelings of anger, victimization and loss she has around this issue, learn from it and then move on and she needs to do it more quickly than I had even realized.
I hope that message resonated with her and anyone else who is being held back by past events. There are ways to get help or even to make certain changes so that tomorrow doesn't become another day you are held hostage by your own anger, desire for revenge, or victimization. Anger is okay, anger is good, and then a time comes when that anger subsides and peace needs to takes it's place. As some of you know, I don't have a relationship at all with my brother or sister even though they both live fairly close. I bring it up because some people probably think that this is an area where I would have some unfinished business I wanted to take care of, but it's not. Sometimes by the time you let go you realize you might have waited too long. That's probably the case here since ending a relationship with them was too easy and liberating. It felt too good instead of bad. It didn't come with anger, instead it helped me let go of the anger I'd been holding onto. I refuse to let the past hold me back and that includes unfair judgments and treatment. Sometimes "simple" can be very difficult to find your way to.
If I die tomorrow, my husband and children will know who I truly was. My previous coworkers and even some knitting buddies will remember me for my sense of humor. In fact, my previous coworkers may fondly recall my made up games to help the morale of Supervisors and Managers and also kept us close even though years before the two groups frequently butted heads. My extended family would probably be surprised at how the friends I have describe me, much to their loss. But I will know I tried to show them who I was and that was all I could do. And finally, many many people will remember how I helped them, how hard I worked and fought for integrity and that doing the right thing always was more important than anything else.
Now, I'm not likely to die tomorrow and neither are you. But do you have any unfinished business to take care of just in case?...Any regrets that can be resolved?
