Too much time has gone by, largely because I set myself up to do more & write more than I can and when I don't get it done, the blog post goes unposted. I'm learning, but I feel like sometimes I'm learning too slowly and then gosh darnit I forget what I've learned! Now I've set a goal to be more aware of what I CAN do and to just be okay with doing that much. So what if I can't say everything I want in my post, at least I said something and that will definitely feel better than not posting at all.
Life these days is in no way close to how I imagined it would be, even after I left my job & knew I'd be home. Finding a new "norm" for life was supposed to happen about a month after I left my job & then things would settle down. I even believed that without the stress of working that my health issues would stabilize & I'd find myself at least helping more around the house, cooking, cleaning...nope.
My health is still like a crazy roller coaster ride & I'm still trying to figure out what makes it worse, what makes it better. I'm still fairly clueless. Although, I have to begrudgelingly admit that emotional stress does have a very negative impact on me, but I only recognized this about a month ago. After a bad, very emotional scene with my father verbally abusing my children as Eric threw the van into reverse, speeding away & out of earshot as quickly as possible. The van where I sat in slack jawed disbelief, unable to even turn my head & look at the 3 children in their seats behind me, cataloguing away in their brains a moment & words that will never leave them. I can get into that in detail in the future, but for now I just want to acknowledge the toll that brief moment in time took on my health. It was as though I was watching a movie in slow motion & the sequence of events were perfectly timed. Two days of crying & blowing my nose led to me getting congested & a slight cough on days 3 & 4 so that by days 5 & 6 I had a cold the likes of which I've never seen before. It's been a month & I'm finally getting better but I'll always wonder if I didn't suffer from my 1st case of pneumonia.
Being sick for the past month & the reason why is definitely setting the tone for this post, which I recognize is much more pessimistic, sadder than how I usually post. I try to be positive & look for the silver lining & I'm pretty sure being in that "okay" place was what gave me the strength to take a hard look at & experience the painful emotions that I need to in order to accept things from my childhood. Yes, I've mentioned before things weren't great but to really be truthful, I believe I suffer from PTSD & my illness has allowed me to recognize better not only that this was happening to me but also what some of my triggers are. Why PTSD? It's a long story that I know I couldn't possibly tell right now but the difficulties I endured as a child spanned years (into adulthood) and included all the makings of a classic V.C. Andrews novel. How's that for holding you in suspense?
It was only recently when I realized that although this is the story of my life, I'm allowed to tell it. It has been a hushed thing for so long & of course the guilt trip that I'm trying to hurt other people, specifically my parents has been dangled over my head by none other than my abuser. He knows my weaknesses & that I don't want to hurt anyone, unfortunately what's best for me may end up hurting other people. This is MY STORY, what happened to me. I have every intention of telling my story even if I can only do it 2 paragraphs at a time.
For now I at least feel like I've opened the door to blogging again & most importantly shown the sad side of me, which I normally keep well hidden. The happier side hasn't gone away, its just taking a break as I work through the latest of PTSD triggers & what it all means. I'm glad that I have friends who are deeply supportive & can be there for me as I work through this dark stuff. Thank you all for being just who you are!!
P.S. I think it's going to rain, I just killed the BIGgest spider who had the audacity to be walking on my couch. I'm so glad it didn't touch me & that I didn't scream :-)
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