A Resolution to Resolve in 2011

Each year I say my resolution is not to resolve. This year I plan to resolve A LOT! I'm starting a new blog, planning to do some advocacy around chronic pain and most importantly, find my reason for living and begin to enjoy life again.

First off, here's the NEW BLOG! I decided to completely start over because when I started my first blog it really was mostly about knitting and times have really changed since then. I miss the time when what I was knitting was one of the the most important things in my life, but I can't go back. Rather than continue with that blog I decided to completely start over, as I've been doing in life. This new blog has been a work in progress for a while now but I finally needed to just simplify things and get it started. The start of a new year seemed like a good time to just bust it out. It'll look more polished as time goes on and eventually will include video.

It was exactly this week a year ago (the week between Christmas and New Year's) when after taking quite a bit of time off from work I returned to see if I could make it work. I was out of FMLA and it was do or die time. I knew some people thought I was crazy to even attempt it but I was determined that I had to make one last ditch effort before I was finally willing to accept my illness just wouldn't allow me to work. I tried for a couple of weeks but clearly wasn't making it. Even so, I remember how happy I was to go back to work and how I was singing at night when I'd get home, well for the first 2 days anyway :)

When I left my job, I was thrust into a different role that I really knew was coming for a long time but that I didn't know how to handle. Most of my identity was tied up into who I was professionally and I couldn't even imagine telling people I didn't work! It took a very long time for me to realize that part of my new life included a job, to be a stay at home mom and with that came some responsibilities I could feel proud of. For the most part however, I felt and still feel like I don't add much of an impact on the world and more importantly, in my family. Much of this feeling in addition to a dependency on Doctors for help when I was used to being independent is what caused a deep depression to slowly sneak its way in deeper and deeper so that I am where I am today, very fragile.

Over the past year I've seen the progression of my pain and had more and more difficulty getting help for it. My vision of being jobless for a couple of months, regaining some strength and then establishing a bit of a routine that included housework and cooking never came to light. Instead, my days are spent in the hot tub, going to appointments and napping. I can't even say off the top of my head how many doctors I have. I just know there were times I'd average 3-4 appts a week when I was doing physical therapy too. Also, not one to usually look for pity, I realized that without a recognizable horrible disease attached to my illness, it's been difficult to get much support and understanding. If nothing else, Eric (hubby) and I have learned how to reach out for help in ways we aren't used to. It's difficult for people to imagine pain so extreme that you cannot use the stairs or walk without a cane, I guess, unless they've been there themselves or watched a loved one go through it.

So, to be upfront about why a new blog, in addition to the above mentioned ones. I'm using this blog as a voice to help people understand chronic illness and pain, I'm also sharing my experiences so that other people going through similar experiences can find a similar voice and know they aren't alone. There are times this blog will be tough to read, the videos even harder to watch. That's the reality that up until now I've been able to hide behind closed doors. Yes, I have a great sense of humor, I love sarcasm, and I think laughing is the best therapy. However, I can and have been in such great physical and/or emotional pain that humor and lightness were impossible for me to see. The truth is, the past 2 weeks have been the worst, but the really troubling time started around the beginning of November. I've almost gone to the hospital several times for help with an emotional breakdown I was having. I did go to the ER a few days ago after I fell and was out of pain meds. I've found that unless I'm going to harm myself there is nothing they'll do, not even try to sedate me enough to be calm. Instead I've been told that I can't get hurt falling off a couch and was offered a bed in a detox facility (Remind me to tell that story later, wish I had taken pics of my swollen arm...). There is so much stigma that comes with using pain meds and it's even worse when you say they aren't working.

It's dealing with these types of issues that have left me lying on the bathroom floor bawling because I have nowhere else to go and it's amazing how little some Doctors can care. Pain has a way of breaking you down. I know the tools and tricks of the trade that are supposed to make it easier. There's meditation, mindfulness, taking life day by day, focusing on the positive things, the list goes on and on. I've done that, bought CD's to listen to, done physical therapy, cut my hair to help lessen the weight on my neck, sat in the hot tub for hours, sat under a heated blanket when I'm not in the hot tub...but still pain has a way of overriding all of that and taking over your consciousness. This is where I am, on the verge. Yesterday and today were better days. I have lots of hope for tomorrow and after that I'll take it day by day. Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you'll keep reading!