Recently a friend on Facebook was also friends with a relative, which I didn't realize when I accepted her friend request. She's someone I trusted, have been friends with on a knitting site for quite some time & knit with regularly on Thursday nights in a knitting group. Although the link to my blog is only open to friends, this person chose to provide members of my family of origin (FOO) with a link to my blog. I'm still not sure how this person felt this was an okay thing to do but it really doesn't matter in the end. Eventually someone in my family would've stumbled upon it & the reaction would've been the same.
I first realized that my FOO had access to my blog after receiving a very sarcastic, angry email from my father who felt that my last post painted him as an abuser. He has a point since he isn't an abuser, at least I didn't think of him as that when I wrote the post. I wrote of an incident where he was verbally abusive to my children, but did not specify it was an isolated case as I should have. I think even more confusing is the fact that I have spoken about being abused so naturally he might've felt people would think it had been him when it actually wasn't.
At first I admit I was angry, angry at the way my father handled it, angry that someone had given personal information, angry even at what that person may have been told about me so that she'd feel better about breaking my confidentiality. After the initial anger though came the sadness & realization that I had a decision to make. I had made the decision to bare all on a blog long ago and even discussed it with my therapist, naming singer/songwriters I greatly admire for writing songs about their personal lives. Trust me, if I could write songs & sing then my songs would be about what I know, my life. Instead, I can write & a blog was a great outlet for me. The question now is do I keep going on this blog knowing my FOO has access to it or do I create a new blog & start over. You can only imagine how appealing starting over would be!
So, I sought the advice of a few people & truly the best advice I got was from a great friend who reminded me that this blog was started as a way to help me & if I found myself changing how I wrote or even writing with an intent to hurt/get revenge on members of my FOO then it would be better to start over. Others offered me the much needed advice to keep going in a blog because "I have done nothing wrong" except in the eyes of my FOO for breaking the unspoken rule of sharing secrets that never were to be told.
Ultimately I've decided to continue with this blog. So far its been a truthful picture of the path my life has taken since I realized life as I knew it was changing. Having a physical illness requires introspection into all parts of one's life including mental health. I'm reminded monthly by my primary Doctor that people who aren't supporting me in a mentally healthy way are not good for my physical health & they need to be cut from my life. It reaffirms my decision to break away from my brother & sister was a good one. But, it causes me untold sorrow & grief as I decide what to do about my father, who even after all these years still believes he might get his way if he gives me the cold shoulder when he's "disappointed" with me. The incident with my children was a harsh wake up call that even if he can't get to me, he subconsciously could take his anger out on them because they are extensions of me.
As for my childhood abuser, it was my older brother. I don't know when it began but I do know that he sexually abused me from as early as I can remember until the time I was 12. After that came the emotional, physical, & verbal abuse. He was very successful at grinding my self-esteem into the ground and making me hate myself. I hated how I spoke, looked, acted, felt uneasy around other people & generally unsafe. Unfortunately, just identifying the person who abused me & the type of abuse leaves out years of subsequent trauma & the re-learning of how to feel comfortable about myself around other people. I realized many months ago that I must've been suffering from PTSD for years but more recently realized I was probably even suffering from it as a child. All of that takes time to explain and help others understand the magnitude of the work that has to be done to become not only a survivor, but a healthy survivor living within the spectrum of what many consider "normal", with healthy relationships not only with others but myself. Since my illness & the vulnerability that caused its been difficult to get back to & even get better at loving myself again.
One thing is for sure, while my family remains unhappy with my openness about this, I do not feel any shame or guilt. I wonder if its their own shame & guilt that makes my openness so upsetting?
